22 March 2006


Kim started this and so far I’ve read hers, Bec’s, Badger’s, Blackbird’s, Joke's, Babelbabe’s, and am off to read Susie’s next but I have to be feeling brave cos those gorgeous retro graphics stress out my computer and it quietly dies on me. (Sorry Susie).

Anyway, it seems everyone here cuts their own hair, or does obscene things to their cuticles. I am proud to say I DON’T do the cuticle thing, although I was a nailbiter as a child. You are all just warped and sick. I’m warming to the idea of cutting my own hair though, for reasons revealed below.

So. My confessions.

• I lie awake at night cursing myself and sobbing for psychologically destroying my firstborn. Then I remember that he is the prototype and it’s in his job description to be the one screwed up by his amateur parent. Besides it makes up for the fact that he always gets the new bike and his brothers will never ever get a new bicycle until they leave home and purchase one for themselves.

• Like Bec, I cut my own kids’ hair. Why? For the same reason Bec does. (Oh yeah, plus it’s cheaper). But really, why are lice so prevalent these days? We seem to have finally got them under control, but eliminated? Not a hope. And this leads me to …

• I have the worst straggly split-end hair in the southern hemisphere (cunningly hidden cos I wear it fetchingly up every single day) because I have not been to the hairdresser for about six months. Why not? Well, clearly because I am a loving, hands-on, devoted mother who is constantly up close and personal with her sproglets, particularly a certain seven year old who likes to climb into my bed and snuggle up really really close. You see where I am going here? Yes. You read it here, on my blog. Suse has lice. I’m not infested, mind. And I haven’t actually found one on myself for months (and believe me I check OBSESSIVELY, all the time), so I probably actually don’t have lice, but it’s the mere thought of them that turns me to a quivering wreck. Ever since my ever so swanky inner city cool hairdresser told me how they hadn’t seen lice in years in their salon but if they do, the protocol is that the client has to leave IMMEDIATELY, in the middle of the cut, and the whole place has to be sterilised top to bottom and the poor unfortunate slovenly slattern, uh … loving dutiful mother can never show her face there again. Well, I have this recurring nightmare. You see? So, I am coming round to Bec’s and Blackbird’s idea of cutting my own hair. Because although I would be disgusted if I found creatures in my hair, I would never stoop so low as to banish myself.

I just wanna know, how do you do the back?

• I am annoyed that two of my favourite blogs only became regular reads of mine AFTER they had their babies. I missed the birth stories. I love birth stories. I can’t remember reading Babelbabe’s blog before the arrival of Terzo, and I had only just discovered Kim and Bec a couple of weeks prior to Jasper’s arrival. So I wasn’t emotionally involved, you know? I didn’t get all warm and fuzzy and full of strong urges to send small knitted garments through the post. Sorry. I know I could trawl the archives and re-live the pregnancies, but it’s not the same.

• An hour ago I just admitted in front of my husband, three children and parents, that I could happily run away with John Hannah. And Robson Green. And Andrew Denton. And Cate Blanchett. And possibly even Annette Bening.

• I am totally non-streetwise. I have no knowledge of popular culture. I have no idea who Jessica Simpson is and why she should be naked on anyone’s couch. Nor do I know who Jennifer Love Hewitt or Ben Lee are. Sometimes I feel old fashioned and like I should start scouring Who Weekly and get with it (man). But mostly I couldn’t give a shit.

• I swear sometimes. But I think that’s the first time I have done so on my blog.

• I don’t know how to make my fonts smaller or change colours, or do strikethrough. I am too lazy to find out, and am just confessing this in the hope that someone will tell me in the comments section.

• People who can't spell annoy me.

• I hate that I can see all my flaws in my children. (They do have a gazillion good points, I just don’t think they get them from me). Son #1 has all my neuroses, lack of social grace, paralysing shyness and general nervy-ness. Son #2 has inherited my meanness, bitchiness and self-loathing. Son #3 has, well, just my general fragility and propensity to burst into tears at the drop of a hat. I hate myself for bequeathing these things to three poor innocents. (However, #1 got my blue eyes, #2 my ability to spell, and #3 is just fabulous).

• I adore my children with a passion that frightens me. But many nights I cannot wait until 8pm and they’re all gone.

• I quite like my husband too, but I love solitude.

• I have a patch of stress eczema on the top of my head. I only recently learned that not only do heaps of women have this, but that it has a name. I scratch and pick it until it bleeds, so it never heals. This revolts me but I am comforted by the thought that I’m not alone.

• I am a lazy slob. I don’t mop my floors. I vacuum and sweep when I have to (ie. hardly ever) but if the floor needs washing I get the dog to lick it.

• I am a food nazi.

• I think most people are less intelligent than I am. God what a horrible snob I am.

That is all.
If I confessed the rest you’d send Child Protection Services over.


Kim said...

You ROCK in so many ways. I don't even know where to begin in my comments because I was just talking to you in my head as I went along on that glorious journey.
The stress excema on your head - welcome to my world. And it's more fun once it bleeds because there's better bits to pick. And don't even try to pretend to be repulsed. I know you like it.
Felix is mini-me.
I so hear you on the just counting down to 8pm for some PEACE.
It is very VERY weird having Chef home at nights. After about 12 years of him working 4-5 nights a week, suddenly he is home, in my solitude time. AND he wants the remote.
I only just discovered Terzo is only 2 weeks older than Jasper and I must have started reading her blog when you did - and I so understand what you mean about going back through the archives. GOD I've done it and it's not really an enjoyable process. How I wish Blogger let us archive by subject.
I don't understand how you can not not mop the floors - is my family just that more grotty than the rest of the world???
I don't know if the "Create New" window is different on an Apple to a PC, but all those things - colours etc are just in the row above the text box you write in. Where the hyperlink thingy and picture loading thingy are.
Solitude is a wonderful wonderful thing.

blackbird said...

Annette Bening is mine, I'm afraid.
You may have Cate.
I bought Youngest real birkenstocks yesterday at enormous expense. why?
because he rarely has his own SHOES.
Well, sometimes he does, but never sandals.
There are a few ways of getting the back of the hair cut - one is to lift the hair over one's head whilst looking in the mirror. This leads to wild positions. The other is to hand the scissors to a child or husband - depending on who is less, um, emotionally scarred.
As I am sure you are aware, you will be able to live the rest of your life perfectly well without knowing a single thing about Jessica Simpson. (My brother asked me to run the line to see how long it takes for google to crawl the site - it's an experiment.)
I swear all the time too - but usually not on my blog...I don't know why that is.
For the record, I believe that most people ARE stupid, and no one seems to be doing anything to convince me otherwise.

this top of the head picking business...is the spot in your scalp? because I am confused about this and the skin at my hairline has been very dry lately and could, I suppose, become pickable if I encouraged it...I don't want to miss out on something that some of my favorite bloggers do.

Miss Eagle said...

Love your taste in running away companions. You will, like the late lamented Jessica Mitford, just have to save up your running away money, won't you.

SueeeuS said...

sproglets! I love it! I also love reading that I'm not the only one who doesn't mop and vacuum. I love that you are real. :)

Blogger has been oh so temperamental to me lately, as if it knows I moved to WordPress and is now actively snubbing me. I'm having the hardest time keeping up with people.

BabelBabe said...

guess this means i have to have another one...

i really would make an excellent hermit.

and i'm with kim on the floor-mopping. you'd stick to my kitchen floor like to a fraternity basement's, if i went longer than two weeks w/o mopping.

Elizabeth said...

I cut everyone's hair in the family except my own. Last week Littlest cut her dad's hair which was very brave of him. I'm thinking of letting her have a go at mine.
Who likes cleaning? Hands up. Anyone? Go to the back of the line.
I feel like I missed out on the baby blogging and the young things just learning to knit and sew but I'm over it.
Most people ARE stupid. You are not a snob as long as you don't say this outloud.
I'm not going to talk about the scab picking because it sounds gross! Brave of you to confess, though.
Oh and count your blessings for 8pm tranquility - wait 'til they get older and you want to go to bed BEFORE them.

Elizabeth said...

I forgot to mention - have you tried mayonnaise for the head lice? It works just as well as the toxic shampoo.

--erica said...

you're wonderful.
mopping is highly overrated.

capello said...

I cuss all the time. I've cut it down quite a bit, but not all the way. Oh well.

And I just learned how to do strike through...

At the beginning of the stike through, type < strike > (without the spaces) and at the end type < /strike > (again, without the spaces). Hopefully, it will work for you!

Cherry Rolfe said...

Well you sound like a fully rounded human being to me - I should know - I concur with everything you said and then some. I wish you could experience the forbidden delight of having a good go at ear eczema with a cotton bud!!Naughty but nice.
My sproglets are now sprung but when they were miniature I just used to nitcomb hair conditioner through at every wash - apparently it stops the lice being able to attach to the hair - whee!! they slide off onto someone else's hair!

Joke said...

Good Lord, why are the women of the Anglosphere doing the vulture-carrion thing...to themselves?

-J., hopelessly confused.

String Bean said...

You're not alone!
I am also a food nazi.
I prefer solitude.
I think I'm smarter than everyone else.
I hate people who can't spell and use correct grammar (except early in the morning).
I have excema on my hands, forearms, and on the inside of my elbows.
I have cut my own hair (does shaving your head count?).
I hate cleaning, but I do it because people will complain if it's not done.
The only thing that I may be alone on is this:
I am completely self-absorbed. I love myself more than anything else. I I I! I'm the best!
I haven't said that in so long. It feels good to say it once again!

Love having your kids around now, while they're young, because in 10 years or so they won't want to stay at home with their mommy. Not that I would know, not having any urchins of my own. I'll stick to cats; they're much quieter.

You're hilarious! I love reading your blog. I'm still splitting my sides over this post. I could never call the Child Protection Agency! If I did I'd never be able to read your blog again. I'd have guilt.

shannon said...

What a great post! if only I wasnt living in denial...I too wold have plenty to confess...

shannon said...

Like my really bad spelling, actually thats pretty obvious....

Surfing Free said...

Those are great confessions! I am with you about not being able to wait until the kids are in bed, yet loving them so much it scares you.
And, the solitude thing is ME ME ME! I crave time alone. When my husband is away for work I get my nights to myself and I love it. When he comes home I resent his big self sitting on MY sofa, watching MY tv, messing up MY house, needing to be in MY personal space. It's pretty tough for a day or two ... then I get used to his messy self again. But I would love to have my own house for ME ME ME.
I dream of going on a holiday by myself - not with friends not with family, just me.
Wow, I sound a bit selfish and crazy ... probably guilty on both counts ;)

Sharon said...

Head lice - try vinegar in the final rinse... You smell like a fish and chip parcel but apparently neutilises the eggs... Chemist told me about that one... My daughter (late 20's) still remembers those 'hair' days very well - probably 'telling' damage there... Both my girls insist on telling me about my past parenting skills - but both have said at least they had boundaries - unlike many of their friends at the time...I was only 22 when I had my first - we were both 'babes in the woods' and I made some dreadful mistakes - but they both seemed to have turned out reasonable and responsible adults...
Just had my hair cut yesterday so can't qualify for that one...
LOL - Am I old??? Young woman and her very hip mother came into the bookshop and asked for Nicole Richie's book... I said "Who??" They look at each other and sighed ONE of those sighs... How was I to know she is one of the new brat pack in glimmer glammy land...
At the moment I would like to run away too. Another friend and I thought we would live like gypsies in a small but very functional caravan with a wandering horse tethered to it bewitching all the local men with our beauty and charm... We would lie naked or wisply clad in the sun sipping wine and listening to sonnets tumble from the love parched lips of lovers... Mind you this was only last month!!!! This month I am not so sure...
Housework - now how do you spell that again... But I do like my books in order...
I love my solitude - though at times I need to go lock myself in the loo to achieve it...
I swear when the moment needs it!!!!
Food - well that is an another entire thread...
Have I run out of paper yet??? No...
Wel I will finish by saying S - don't worry about it all too much... Life has a way of changing just as you think you have 'got it'... I love reading your blog with my morning coffee....

Mary said...

It's good to know I'm not the only one out there desperately in need of a haircut but not going as due to the fear of lice, despite not having seen one (on my own head) for at least 2 months. I've also decided to go down the home haircut route for my children as the combing seems to only control things, rather than eradicate them.

Jerry & Maxy said...

There is a reason I don't live in your country. I am still scarred by the time my sister was sent home from school with lice, and my FATHER, no less, had to buy the special shampoo, etc.

I am very afraid of lice.

I have pets - is it really that much different than fleas?

Yes, I am also very afraid of fleas.

You're the coolest ever though, I must say. And very brave.

Joke said...

I'm such a snob I'd use Balsamic vinegar.


Susie Sunshine said...

Sorry my blarg crashes your computer-is it really just mine?!
How embarrassing.

I'll come over and clean your floors to make up for it.

Gingers Mom said...

I liked reading your list and your total honesty. I have a terrible fear of lice too. :) And I know what you mean about seeing your own faults in your children. It gives me the shivers - and my oldest is only 3!

telfair said...

I'm always daunted to leave my comments when you start getting 20+ ones before mine...I think that mine will just be a complete echo of everyone else's before me. And it usually is. So, see above for my thoughts on similiar head lice fear, similiar food nazi issues, preference for solitude, etc. Oh, yes, and how much I love your blog!

doubleknot said...

Just reading about head lice sets my head to itching but I know I don't have them - I did when my kids were younger and know that running feeling.
Head lice seem to be running wild were I am - my room mates grand kids are forever getting them and they are they cleanest people you ever saw.
I have been forced to sweep and mop my floor because my room mate who usually does it tore his rotor cup in his arm and can't do it. He is getting therapy now so soon I won't have to so that nasty chore.

Jeanne said...

I'll have to echo Telfair's echo here. Except for the lice, and that I'd probably put Hugh Laurie first on my runaway list. But I'm with you on the spelling, the scarred children and their tendencies to reflect my own flaws, eight o'clock, solitude, and the itchy head thing.

PS, can I borrow your dog?

Bec of the Ladies Lounge said...

I would totally do John Hannah for his accent alone. Robson Green, of course. You must be shorter than me because Andrew Denton? Not interested.

I'd turn for Annette Benning, especially after The Siege. Not so sure about Cate. But since you're the first person who's ever made me feel like I'm not alone in my headlice nightmare, I'd probably turn for you, Suse.

Jane said...

Great post. Robson Green is looking past his prime these days otherwise there might have been an unpleasant scene.

ivy said...

Our dogs clean our floors too. They still look pretty bad. I probably need one more dog.

Your house always looks lovely and clean in your pics.

Denzylle said...

I read a lot of mama and food blogs, and find most of them thru' other blogs, but this is the first time I have found a blog I wanted to book mark by Googling (for something totally unrelated to blogs) on John Hannah.

A fellow Fannah (and JH Group moderator).

Laura/PFG said...

dude. the lice. i had them a couple years back, right after i quit my retail job (i used a coworkers comb, is how i think i got them. stupid of me i know, but damn, lesson learned). and i was SO upset. i had them 2 or 3 times when i was a kid, so whenever i'm playing with my hair and find something attached to a strand, i freak out and closely examine it to make sure its not a nit. that time it was. and i cried. and i freaked. and i didn't tell ANYONE other than my dad and my sister. luckily, my live-in boyfriend didn't end up getting it (how he managed that one, is beyond me), but i never even posted about it in my "other journal", for fear people there would freak out. we got one of those electronic comb dohickeys that beeps whenever it finds a louse, and electrocutes it. we still have it, but god forbid we ever have to use it again.

whew. sorry that was so long, and you're probably all itchy now, BUT IT'S THE FIRST TIME I'VE TOLD THE INTERNETZ!!! ;P