13 November 2006

In which I keep my promise

You've probably all seen this before. It did the email rounds a while back and gave me a giggle.


Systems of Government: a bovine demonstration

Feudalism
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Pure Socialism
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

Bureaucratic Socialism
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

Fascism
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Pure Communism
You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

Russian Communism
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

Dictatorship
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Singaporean Democracy
You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

Pure Democracy
You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.

Representative Democracy
You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

American Democracy
The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

British Democracy
You have two cows. You feed them sheep brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

Bureaucracy
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Anarchy
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbours try to kill you and take the cows.

Capitalism
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Hong Kong Capitalism
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the right to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the feng shui is bad.

Environmentalism
You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

Feminism
You have two cows. They legalise their partnership with a handfasting ceremony and adopt a veal calf.

Totalitarianism
You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

Political Correctness
You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

Counter Culture
Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You gotta have some of this milk.

Surrealism
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

16 comments:

zephyr said...

all i can say is
Holy Cow!

...i have not read this before (maybe i don't belong to the right circles) and it is a total hoot...love it.

and, re the straw and camel on your back:
how about throwing in a new, guaranteed to bleed, bright red sock/towel/other such article with international guest's laundry...that should nip future requests in the bud

velcro said...

they need to amend the British entry to
"government denies everything, then burns the cows"

fantastic though, especially the surrealist one.

herhimnbryn said...

Hee! X three!

ThirdCat said...

I like the giraffes best. Way the best.

Stomper Girl said...

Udderly funny! Yep. Milked that joke for all it was worth.

Paisley said...

hehe - an oldie but definitely a goody - this one never fails to raise a chuckle. I liked the counter culture cows bit - not sure whether I've seen that one before.

shula said...

Are you aware of how central the washing motif is to your writing?

A book written around the idea of washing is becoming more plausible every day, in a Zen-and-the-art-of kind of way.

kt said...

Love it!

nutmeg said...

This gave me a chuckle for the night.

I liked your "Sunday Best" of yesterday. Last dummy spit in this household saw me slam my vanity draw which caused the whole contents to catapult down into the void behind. Dust in makeup and toothbrush not worth the tantrum - which was done in front of my 5 year old daughter (isn't that her job?)

Bec of the Ladies Lounge said...

I think you should have fulfilled both promises by winding this up with a recipe for beef casserole.

Or possibly got your Son #1 to play a classical version of Cows With Guns and posted the wav file.

But I'm fussy tonight.

Lee said...

Okay, one last comment on Trekking 126. It is official, no more being made. The people at Skacel, US distributors, very nicely shared my pain but could offer no solace. So, those of you who have scored some 126, enjoy it. The rest of us will spend our natural lives fruitlessly searching for it, unless someone is crazy enough to spend $43 on E-Bay.

Surfing Free said...

Hee hee - cows are funny with or without a political agenda!!

Joke said...

I'm embarrassed to say I've never seen this before!

(But I loved it.)

-J.

h&b said...

This ... was ... HILARIOUS !!

Loved it & fwd'd it ( and I don't fwd things around willy-nilly, not me, uh-uh, no ! )

Am also saving for future reference ;)

My float said...

I love this...it's good for a giggle each time.

Hey, are the freeloaders still there? You must be a saint. I'd be hysterical.

Bec of the Ladies Lounge said...

Yes - have they G.O.N.E. yet?