23 April 2008

ungracious

The view on an autumn morn

My surroundings are peaceful today. The trees are still, bellbirds are chinkchinking and some other kind are tweeting and cheeping in a classic, storybook manner. Apart from the birds it is utterly quiet. There are no cars or planes to clutter the stillness; now the rhythmic chop of an axe comes, the dull thuds floating up the hill to me. A kookaburra sits not ten feet away, lazily watching me as I type.

The calm here is in stark contrast to my state of mind. I can't find peace or stillness right now. My head is slack and slow, there is a thickness behind my eyes and my hands tremble. I'm sleep deprived, irritable and feel overworked although I know that really I'm not. Deadlines loom, competing for my attention and in the midst of it all and on top of it all, the mindless administrivia of running a household and family threatens to overwhelm me and drown me in its endless crushing loop. I am tired of being the one who holds it all together.

Such bitterness and resentment.

The kookaburra just opened his beak in a long silent laugh and turned away from me to face the hills.

Indeed.

live

Middleclass problems, I know. Sometimes I need to be reminded of my blessings.

Don't we all?

38 comments:

kt said...

White middleclass problems are still a valid reason to feel a bit blue, you know.

We all have an ear and a shoulder ready when you need it, Suse.

Sending a hug from here.

Molly said...

You said beautifully what we all sometimes feel.

Jessica said...

These days, I know exactly what you mean. (((hugs)))

innercitygarden said...

I think being the person in the house who is expected to keep track of the whereabouts of ones own and everyone else's socks/keys/whosiwatsits gets most women down from time to time. Sometimes it's the little things that grind us down.

Tends to be a good time for telling everyone else to track the location of their own bloody socks/dinner/schoolbag etc. And making a list. My Mum swears by putting one fun thing on the list for every day. It's not so bad sorting the laundry if knitting is also on the agenda as an essential item.

Stomper Girl said...

I hear ya! Write a list and delegate. Sometimes you need help!

Penni said...

hear you, with you. Could have written this entire post myself.

Penni said...

(even the bit about the kookaburra)

Linda said...

How elegantly stated.

And as Sybil once said "I know, I know, OH I KNOW!"

I don't feel we Aussies cope well with the change of season to Autumn. Most of us don't really want to say goodbye to our Summer days and move our lives inside

Donna said...

I know I need a reminder, I really do have a fairly easy life and yet it's so easy to feel bogged down and resentful.

Bird Bath said...

Hey, some days are better than others right? It's the daily home 'busyness' which can really try me...somedays it feels like you spend the whole day caring/cleaning only for it to start all over again the next day.Life is relentless.Take it easy.

M said...

Ah, now there's a feeling I know well. And then, like you, I get reminded about how my life is, actually, pretty good. Especially when the cleaner's been.

bluemountainsmary said...

You'll be right mate...

especially if you dye some yarn a glorious sunshiney yellow .........

just make sure you take some time (even if just moments) for yourself..

katiecrackernuts said...

It is a loop. What's that saying, when you get to the end of your rope, tie a know in it and hang on. I always do, sometimes wondering what would happen if I just fell away. I guess I know the answer. Nothing. Nothing at all.

janet clare said...

I know exactly how you feel- administrivia is a great word by the way.

It will surely pass.

belinda said...

So sorry you are feeling so jangled and frayed at the moment. Please know that you are not alone, and appreciated more than you know.

maymomvt (or Sarah) said...

I get filled with administrivia as well and then dear hubby offers to take something on, but doesn't know what...and I say "exactly the point."

Anyway, I look at that beautiful photo of your hills and realize that mine look so similar in autumn with fog rising up. My hills are faintly pink with budding leaves--all very soft right now. This beautiful earth. How lucky we are.

Laura Jane said...

This too will pass.

Administrivia - what a great term.

Some days are just filled with too much BLAH and not enough "Aaahh"

hang in there

Janet said...

sleep deprivation will do that, and you know, maybe you do have too much to do? Don't we all? At some point?

Hope you got some time and some sleep to recharge.

Jodie said...

Oh, that feeling , just jangles and tangles and gets everything knotted and stressed. I hope you can find time for a cuppa and a small pause. If possible let some things go- or delegate !

Jenny said...

Oh Suse try to get a good nights sleep. Decide to forget about the deadlines and all the STUFF. Everything seems so much worse when you are tired and feeling unappreciated.
My secret when the relentlessness falls on top of me is to find a little time to do something special that just pleases me, it doesn't have to be big or expensive or even away from home, just a little thing for me.
But really when it all got too much for me nearly four years ago I just walked away, left the job and organised things to please me, it hasn't always been easy but I've never regretted it.

blackbird said...

Indeed.

I do hope things ease up for you and I'll be thinking of you until then.

kim at allconsuming said...

"I am tired of being the one who holds it all together."
Amen sister.

Ali said...

How perfectly you sum it up. That feeling so many of us know.

Pamela said...

I have felt the same way, but you put it so perfectly. We know that it will change, that we will feel better but that at this precise moment it does not feel very good. Hugs from the US to surround yourself. Pamela

sueeeus said...

I love your word "administrivia"

:)

How 'bout some chocolate and a nap, my dear?

Thinking of you...

Eleanor said...

You have such a lovely community of blog friends - supportive and understanding.

Is it school holidays down your neck of the woods as it is here? Because that might be a part of the problem - no space to breathe. I am somewhat breathless myself these days.

fifi said...

Agh.

I don't care if they're middleclass or no, all valid.

I feel as if I have been sucked into some kind of weird hole at the minute. Similar to you, but add to the mix a bit of hostility from the mister. Bah!

I am looking forward to getting back to painting nextweek when hols are over. And I certainly count that as a blessing, even though it is part of source of resentment from He.
Oh stop me..

and I am about to post a kookaburra story...I had an encounter yesterday. Weird.

Jen said...

Administrivia--I love it!

You've pretty much summed up my mood today, except for the happy kookaburra part at the end. :D

herhimnbryn said...

And what would happen if for some things you said 'No, enough'?

List it, do it/don't do it.

Walk with your hound and tell the kids to make you a cup of tea when you get back.

Go to bed half an hour earlier than usual and read.

My thoughts are flying to you from WA.

Zephyr said...

Good for you for saying it...
i believe, wholeheartedly
that it's good for kids to know their Mom needs help sometimes

and has limits.

i agree with above: ask them to help, make a cup of tea, get themselves to the next gig and/or, have a Mother's Day in the middle of now.

You've got great kids...i know they'll get it.

louise said...

Middle class or not...it's a drag feeling like that. Of course, it will pass, but in the meantime...how about the op shop and then reading a novel in bed?(all day if necessary)

Matthew said...

I hope your 'housemates' are pulling their weight? Conforming all the time to society's 'expectations' perpetuates them. Break some boundaries. I hope the example your children have doesn't mean they grow up with the same expectations and perpetuate that example for the next generation. It's meant to be a partnership right? If the burden is shared evenly everyone will have time for themselves (most importantly you, the one who feels overwhelmed). And if I get the gist of your blog, that means more time for knitting!

amy said...

I just had what I like to call a "brack." My life was running me. I wasn't running my life. I felt like I wanted to drop everything and run away. What was making it worse is that I was forgetting to just breathe: slow, deep breaths. It's a good to remember blessings. I call it making my thankful list.

Sharon said...

Oh Suse... I feel for you I really do... Take care... XXXXX

ps your wool has been much admired and on the weekend I taught a 30 year old to knit - the look on her face as she knit those first few rows can only be likened to watching a child's first wobbly ride on a new bike...

Lesley said...

Lots of tea and sleep. That's my solution for you! 'Seriously though, life's grand when you can create words like administrivia. It's even fun to type.
I'm loving your wool-dyeing. I bought some white stuff to have a go at your method with the food-colourings.
See? You're an inspiration!

Rae said...

Oh, I so relate. You said that so beautifully. Thank you.

Susan said...

Ah hear ya sistah. Yeah.

Jan said...

You said it! Why do we try to do so much?