16 February 2013
feline: morning routine
5:07am: Preliminary meow #1 to prepare the household for the morning.
5:17am. Second meow. Just in case they've dozed off.
6:23am. Time for action. Commence routine proper by entering the biggest humans' bedroom. This is a kindness, as 6:23 is precisely two minutes before their alarm thingy goes off, ensuring the alpha and beta humans awake to my divine and loving presence, rather than that classical radio music they favour. (Note for weekends. It is doubly essential to perform the routine at 6:23am sharp on Saturdays and Sundays as the humans always neglect to turn the radio thing on for some reason. Do not be late. What would they do without me?)
6:24am. Employ a sprightly leap up onto the bed on alpha's side. Land on his stomach preferably, or failing that, just walk across his stomach as you make your way to beta. She is much harder to wake and a good solid headbutt is recommended, right on her nose. If she has heard your approach and buried her face in the pillow, headbutting her ear is a good second choice. Purr loudly.
Repeat headbutt. Employ a small but loving nip on any bared shoulder flesh. Purr loudly. I AWAKEN YOU WITH MY LOVING PRESENCE. I AM ALSO IN NEED OF RED MEAT.
6:25am. Leap off bed, using beta's belly as springing off point, and head for the east-facing window. Push curtain aside ensuring blinding dawn light floods into the room. Supervise the dawn birds and various wildlife out there (rabbits, grazing peacefully on the last of beta's basil and parsley) by growling menacingly at them through the window. This lets them know who's boss and one may then return to the business of rousing the humans.
6:26am. Head around to alpha's side again. Vigorously leap onto the bed and this time walk across alpha's head to headbutt beta.
Repeat headbutt as necessary.
6:27am. Jump off bed. Repeat curtain business and supervision of birds etc. Yowl a little louder to ensure they get the message.
6:28am. Repeat leap and pillow walk two or three times, making sure to brush belly fur across alpha's face. He really needs to get up and get the meat. The meat. Meat.
Repeat circular route across pillows, leaping off bed on beta's side, around the room and up again at alpha's side.
6:29am. Stand on beta's pillow and reach across to her bedside table. With a delicate paw, gently nudge her glasses and wristwatch to the floor. Wonder at the consistency of the laws of gravity which ensure they fall every single morning. Science is truly fascinating.
Also, THIRSTY. Convey the urgency of the situation to beta with a meow.
6:30am. If beta's glass of water is still reasonably full, keep back legs on pillow but reach across bedside table and teetering pile of books and lap noisily and gratefully from the glass. Brush tail in beta's face at the same time to gently encourage her to rise. If the glass is only half full, reach out a paw for a wee dabble and gently tip the glass ov ...
Mission accomplished. She's awake. He's awake.
6:31am. Enter the kitchen. Rub around alpha's ankles as he moves from fridge to pantry to cat bowls, purring loudly and meowing occasionally to demonstrate pleasure yet convey urgency of need for meat. Meow reproachfully at him when he trips and curses.
6:35am. Greet three smaller humans. Supervise their breakfast, dressing and packing of schoolbags. Proffer small nips of admonishment to their ankles when they get distracted. Purr loudly.
6:45am. Your work is done, they are all awake. Find cosy spot for Nap #1 of the Day.