16 February 2013

feline: morning routine

Morning light on bed. I want to crawl back in.

5:07am: Preliminary meow #1 to prepare the household for the morning.

5:17am. Second meow. Just in case they've dozed off.

6:03am. Repeat.

6:23am. Time for action. Commence routine proper by entering the biggest humans' bedroom. This is a kindness, as 6:23 is precisely two minutes before their alarm thingy goes off, ensuring the alpha and beta humans awake to my divine and loving presence, rather than that classical radio music they favour. (Note for weekends. It is doubly essential to perform the routine at 6:23am sharp on Saturdays and Sundays as the humans always neglect to turn the radio thing on for some reason. Do not be late. What would they do without me?)

6:24am. Employ a sprightly leap up onto the bed on alpha's side. Land on his stomach preferably, or failing that, just walk across his stomach as you make your way to beta. She is much harder to wake and a good solid headbutt is recommended, right on her nose. If she has heard your approach and buried her face in the pillow, headbutting her ear is a good second choice. Purr loudly.

Repeat headbutt. Employ a small but loving nip on any bared shoulder flesh. Purr loudly. I AWAKEN YOU WITH MY LOVING PRESENCE. I AM ALSO IN NEED OF RED MEAT.

6:25am. Leap off bed, using beta's belly as springing off point, and head for the east-facing window. Push curtain aside ensuring blinding dawn light floods into the room. Supervise the dawn birds and various wildlife out there (rabbits, grazing peacefully on the last of beta's basil and parsley) by growling menacingly at them through the window. This lets them know who's boss and one may then return to the business of rousing the humans.

6:26am. Head around to alpha's side again. Vigorously leap onto the bed and this time walk across alpha's head to headbutt beta.

Repeat headbutt as necessary.

6:27am. Jump off bed. Repeat curtain business and supervision of birds etc. Yowl a little louder to ensure they get the message.

6:28am. Repeat leap and pillow walk two or three times, making sure to brush belly fur across alpha's face. He really needs to get up and get the meat. The meat. Meat.

Repeat circular route across pillows, leaping off bed on beta's side, around the room and up again at alpha's side.

6:29am. Stand on beta's pillow and reach across to her bedside table. With a delicate paw, gently nudge her glasses and wristwatch to the floor. Wonder at the consistency of the laws of gravity which ensure they fall every single morning. Science is truly fascinating.

Also, THIRSTY. Convey the urgency of the situation to beta with a meow.

6:30am. If beta's glass of water is still reasonably full, keep back legs on pillow but reach across bedside table and teetering pile of books and lap noisily and gratefully from the glass. Brush tail in beta's face at the same time to gently encourage her to rise. If the glass is only half full, reach out a paw for a wee dabble and gently tip the glass ov ...

Mission accomplished. She's awake. He's awake.

They're up.

6:31am. Enter the kitchen. Rub around alpha's ankles as he moves from fridge to pantry to cat bowls, purring loudly and meowing occasionally to demonstrate pleasure yet convey urgency of need for meat. Meow reproachfully at him when he trips and curses.

6:35am. Greet three smaller humans. Supervise their breakfast, dressing and packing of schoolbags. Proffer small nips of admonishment to their ankles when they get distracted. Purr loudly.

6:45am. Your work is done, they are all awake. Find cosy spot for Nap #1 of the Day.

Morning sun on chocolate Burmese


Tania said...


I have a five year old.

No need for one of you too.

Sarah said...

So wait. You're the beta? And. You take an awfully long time to get out of bed :)

Elizabeth said...

Note to Beta: I used to have my water pilfered too until I realized the glass fit under the night stand's top on the shelf below, where there is not enough room for cat or paw.

dragonfly said...


Frogdancer said...

This is why my cats are locked in the laundry every night.

Anne said...

Very Funny. :)

I had a Burmese cat too but he disappeared last September.
He loved to drink out of the glass next to my bed too. I used to put a clean tissue over it that seemed to stop him.

Annie @ knitsofacto said...

Too funny :D

This is why the whippets do not have access to our bed ... their behaviour would be similar but they weigh way more than a cat. If you've ever experienced the pain of a whippet shifting it's weight to one paw as it stands on your stomach ... the psi is probably equivalent to that of the average pile driver!

driftwood said...

ha ha so funny! just the reason we lock our cats downstairs at night. oh and the fact that the will often play mad chasing games at 3am and our bed is the best place to have the finish line........

Kathy said...

That cracked me up and was SO like my own female kitty, that I had to laugh aloud a couple of times. My male cat is far more subtle, and patient, and kind. The female, though... whew! I have resigned myself to the fact that I will never get to 'sleep-in' again.

I have no way to lock the kitties out of my room, so, this is my life. I do love them, though. :)

Lea said...

Our Piper used to almost break my nose with the early morning headbutts. She used to also sit on AB's chest and nibble/nip his *eyebrows*.

Highly amusing for me.

Harriet said...

Brilliant! Thank you for making me laugh through a dreadful head-cold.

Shammickite said...

I knew there was a perfectly good reason I don't have any house livestock any more.

Lynne said...

An amusing depiction of life with a feline master! Ours has to stay out on the back veranda so we only get the yowling!

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Anonymous said...

just read about your cat oh so much like mine - but I'm so grateful too him the mornings that I have actually slept through the alarm - he makes sure I'm never late for work.

Stomper Girl said...

Ah, Burmeses, so funny and so persistent. Basil cat drinks my glass of water too and knows the most annoying route over two sleeping humans. I don't think your classification of yourself as a larger household member quite accurate. I'm thinking you're only bigger than one of those chillun these days.

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charlottesplot.com said...

This made me laugh, mostly with recognition. Especially the noisy drinking by your bed. I don't think I've ever seen our cat drink from her water bowl, always got her head in someone's glass (sometimes likes a cool cup of tea too). So annoying. This morning I turned away from my cereal for a moment to pour the coffee and when I turned back she was on the table licking my Weetabix. Gah!